


Where Did You Come From?

by fratboyryan



Series: I'm fucking your boyfriend and there's nothing you can do about it. [3]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fraternity, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Shotgunning, stoner!Shane Madej, stoner!Zack Evans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-07 16:50:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16857691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fratboyryan/pseuds/fratboyryan
Summary: Shane's got the worst case of cottonmouth and blue balls in history.





	Where Did You Come From?

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't have anything to say for myself. Stoner Shane is a great AU and everyone should agree with me.

The inside of Shane’s entire mouth feels like he just chewed on a pillow like an untrained dog. He can imagine himself, some kind of crazed greyhound, just munching on a cushion until it all splits apart, and that’s how all the cotton gets into his mouth. God, cottonmouth is the fucking worst.

Ryan’s bedside water bottle is too far away. Shane really doesn’t want to get up.

“Zack…” Shane groans, pressing his face into his buddy’s chest, “Zack, please get the fucking water.”  
“Can’t fuckin’ move, dude,” Zack says, and Shane’s mind ticks over to the worst possible situation.   
“Your legs stopped moving?” Shane asks, and only belatedly does he realise that’s a dumb fucking question.  
“You’re on me.”  
“Right. Yeah,” Shane says, laughs, and then he rolls off Zack, off the couch, and falls onto the floor.

He doesn’t feel it. Zack laughs. Shane thinks the whole world is moving too slow, just point two of a beat off what it should be. Maybe Shane’s going too fast. The thought tries to worry him, but he looks up at Zack’s scruffy face laughing the smoke out of his mouth, and he’s good.

Zack’s hot. God, he’s so fucking good.

Shane sits up, arranging himself so he’s on his knees, face not even a foot away from Zack’s face. He wants that joint so badly.

“Gimme,” Shane demands, trying to snatch it from Zack. Zack smokes more than him, and he’s got more muscle and shit, so he’s a lot less stoned than Shane is.   
“You gotta pay me,” Zack teases, holding the joint just out of Shane’s reach.   
“It’s my fucking weed! I bought that!”  
“ _No,_ ” Zack rolls his eyes, like Shane’s a dumbass. Shane’s not a dumbass. He’s got a solid 3.2, which is better than Zack is getting.   
“What do you mean no? I fucking purchased that with my own goddamn money! Fuck you, dude.”

Zack grabs Shane’s hair, and Shane’s whole body is tingly so it doesn’t hurt at all, and kisses him. _Oh._ Oh.

“You’re a fucking idiot.”  
“Cheers. Thanks. Now can I have the joint?”

Zack rolls his eyes again, and takes a hit. It only emphasises his chest when he inhales, the structure of his body and the bob of his throat. Shane wants to give him a hickey, but maybe after he gets the fucking joint. Shane’s head is still in Zack’s hand, and when Zack kisses Shane again, he’s not expecting it.

Well, it’s not really a kiss. Zack more just _pushes_ the smoke into Shane’s mouth, breathing into Shane’s mouth. Shane’s not fucking expecting it. He chokes, spluttering in Zack’s face and trying to twist out of Zack’s hand so he doesn’t keep spitting on his boyfriend’s stupid stoner face.

“Dude, have you never shotgunned before?” Zack asks, like shotgunning is somehow the same as eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Christ.   
Shane can only gesture around him, his long arms flailing around as he splutters. “No, I,” he drags his hand over his face and thinks about saying something else, but honestly? He doesn’t have anything else to say.

“Zack, dude.”  
“Dude, you should have just told me. Damn. Sorry.”  
“Who the fuck do you think I’m smoking with that would be even vaguely okay with just layin’ a big ol’ fat one on the Shanester?”  
“I dunno, I assume you have _friends._ ”  
“I have friends! My friends don’t just randomly _kiss me,_ though, because they’re _normal people._ ”  
“Of course they don’t randomly kiss you. Imaginary friends aren’t really able to kiss.”  
“I have _real friends,_ Zack, we’ve been over this!”  
“Ryan doesn’t count.”  
“Okay, firstly, Ryan is my friend. We just happen to be fucking and also in love. Fuck you. Secondly, just because I’m not Mister Macho Frat Boy like you and Ryan, doesn’t mean I don’t have friends!”

Shane is going to fucking shit.

Of course, Ryan walks in on them, at that exact moment. Great.

“Aw, come on, guys. Do you have to smoke in _my_ room?” he whines, like a little bitch baby, because that’s what he is.  
“Ryan. Tell Zack I have friends,” Shane demands, just as Zack says:  
“Ryan, we wanted to suck your dick. You’re late.”  
“It’s fucking four in the afternoon, guys, you can’t be this stoned,” Ryan continues.

They all stop. They all stare at each other. It’s like a gunfight, each other waiting for someone to make the first move.

“My dick doesn’t count as your friend, Shane,” Ryan says at the same time that Shane says:  
“It’s four forty five, and that’s basically evening, so shut it.”

Zack takes another hit, looking like the cat that got the cream. Fuck him. He’s a total douche, anyway.

“Fuck you,” Shane swears at Ryan, and Ryan bends down to kiss him.   
“It’s okay, babe. My dick can be your friend if you want.”  
“ _Finally,_ ” Zack nods, exhaling the smoke out of his nose, which is what he does when he wants to seem impressive, “I’ve been waiting for your balls in my mouth all day.”  
“Nope,” Ryan shakes his head, “you know our rule about intoxicated sex.”

Zack rolls his eyes, but in Ryan’s defense, it is a very good rule.

“What’s the rule, Zack?” Ryan asks.  
“I can’t suck your dick when I’m intoxicated, because of the _one time_ I gagged and puked on it,” Zack mumbles, chastised.  
“Yeah,” Ryan says, satisfied, “good boy, Zack.”

Shane didn’t think it was possible for Zack to flush redder, but he did. Zack’s had a bit of a chub since Shane first started lying on his stomach, but now he thinks he sees Zack’s hard on straining at his jeans. It’s hot. Ryan’s so fucking attractive, and he’s smiling down at the both of them like he’s in on some big joke that they’re not.

Ryan kisses Shane, a cute little Spiderman kiss. He leans over Shane’s back to kiss Zack, pressing Shane’s face half into Zack’s elbow and half into the couch cushions. It’s hot. He can hear them kissing, and he’s familiar enough with their styles to know that Zack’s probably gonna start whining soon.

“ _Ryan please,_ ” Zack whines, the roach all but forgotten in his hand, “I want you.”  
“Nope,” Ryan replies, popping the ‘p’ and turning to grab something from his closet, “I’ve got a study date to get to. You guys continue wasting valuable revision time.”  
“Ryan!” Shane demands, frustrated that Ryan can just _leave_ them here, horny for his hot ripped jacked frat body.  
“I gotta go, guys. Try and sober up, will you? If you guys get prepped, maybe we can do something when I get back,” Ryan says, like it’s nothing, like it’s not a promise he intends to keep, like he didn’t just get Shane’s dick so hard it could cut glass and then walk out of the room like he decided he didn’t want to buy anything Shane and Zack were selling.

God damn.

Zack sits up, and Shane looks at him.

“I’m just gonna grab both the plugs, huh?” he asks, and he tries to play it off nonchalantly, except Shane has a perfect view of his boner, so it just seems fake and desperate.   
Shane’s cool with fake and desperate. “God. Please.”

**Author's Note:**

> as always, HMU on tumblr @fratboyryan. let me know what other dumb frat fics you want.


End file.
